( bubbling )
( satirical theme music plays )
( rock music playing )
( theme music playing )
Announcer: From New York City,
it's "The Chris Rock Show."
Tonight, comedian George Carlin,
musical guest Usher.
Plus, musical director Grandmaster Flash.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Chris Rock!
Thank you!
Thank you all, thank you,
thank you, thank you, thank you,
thanks for coming to the show.
Thank you for braving, you know, the cold.
It's the day after Thanksgiving,
day after Thanksgiving, you know.
It's one of the biggest shopping days of the whole year.
One of the biggest shopping days of the year.
You know what it's known in my family?
It's known as "Layaway Day."
It's laying away now, get it out the 24th.
You know what else that means?
That means-- to Coolio,
it means 30 shoplifting days till Christmas.
Anybody hear that Coolio was arrested in Germany
for walking out of a store wearing some clothes
he didn't pay for?
It was Coolio. Coolio hasn't been accused of stealing
since he took "Fantastic Voyage" from Lakeside.
Ha! Thank you all, thank you all.
An 80-year-old woman was thrown off a Greyhound bus
at 3:00 in the morning
'cause she had a puppy with her.
Come on, it's Greyhound, man.
How many drug dealers and prostitutes on Greyhound?
Now if she was eating the puppy, that would have been all right.
What else happen? Ellen Degeneres this week,
E.L.-- E.D., whatever her initials are,
said that she wants a baby, right,
but her girlfriend Anne Heche
is gonna carry the baby 'cause Ellen doesn't like pain.
And I guess that makes a little bit of sense
'cause, you know, if a dick is too much to handle...
( cheering )
You know, then a baby would kill ya.
Now as I do every year,
I watch the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.
And I took a few pictures of the balloons.
Now this first one is one of my favorites.
It's Spider-Man. It's 78' long.
You know, it's big old Spidey.
Now this other one I really like
is the British Nanny balloon.
That's right. The British Nanny balloon.
Earlier in the day, it killed the Baby Huey balloon.
It was very sad.
You know what else they had.
Now back in the day, pilgrims, you know,
they didn't have latex, so they used duck bladders.
And this is one of my favorites-- Sinbad's pants.
People don't realize,
but these are the actual size of Sinbad's pants.
There's enough fabric there to supply 32 Chess King stores.
And what else do we got? The plunger this year.
- Now last year this was... - ( groaning )
Hey, it's New York.
Now last year this was sponsored by Home Depot.
This year it's sponsored by the NYPD.
We got a great show for you tonight.
We got George Carlin in the house!
We got Usher tonight!
And give it up for the man himself:
Grandmaster Flash!
( scratching )
Now holidays are a time for reflection,
so this week, I went out in a Plymouth Van
to find out what was the real meaning
of Thanksgiving. Here, take a look.
The first Thanksgiving lasted three days.
There were over 90 lndians,
Ied by King Massasoit.
What's the first thing that comes to mind
when you think of Thanksgiving?
Turkey.
- Do you chop the turkeys' heads off? - Slice his throat.
Let the blood drain out. Yada yada yada,
clean it, boom boom, we're done.
Yada yada yada, slice his throat,
Iet the blood drain out.
Yada yada yada.
Izzy, my man,
gimme your best turkey.
Watch out he don't shit on you, bro.
( funk music playing )
So do you consider yourself a pilgrim?
- I didn't get that one. - A pilgrim or an lndian?
Are you a settler?
Pilgrims are new coming over.
I really don't get that one.
Drank a lot of beer. The lndians were sent to catch more deer
because they ran out of food.
Do you like dark meat or white meat?
- White meat. Yep. - White meat?
What's wrong with the dark meat?
Okay, but I don't have a problem with the dark meat.
They ate wild turkey. They ate lobster.
The ate clams. They ate squash pudding.
( clucking )
It was quite a major feast.
Would you like to have Thanksgiving dinner with me
- and play some football? - Sure.
Come on, let's go. Come on, let's go.
- Come on. - Come on, let's go.
( funk music playing )
I want to thank you all for coming.
Just remember, no Thanksgiving would be complete
without football, so I want you to all welcome my guest
Mr. Jeff Blake of the Cincinnati Bengals.
Now I want you to all join me in prayer.
Make my funk the P funk.
I wants to get funked up. I want the bomb. I want the P funk.
Make my funk the P funk.
Now let's eat.
( jazz music playing )
We got a special guest tonight.
I want you to all welcome the Thanksgiving Day Players.
Give it up.
( "America the Beautiful" playing )
Here, pilgrims, some turkey and corn.
We give you this because you are hungry.
And new to this land.
- Thank you, lndians. - We are hungry,
and we are new here.
But now we must kill you and take your land.
Hey, now that we've all eaten, let's go play football.
- All right! - Yeah!
( dramatic music playing )
All: Break!
( music continuing )
My next guest has been doing comedy
for over 40 years. He's done 10 HBO specials.
He has a best-selling book called "Brain Droppings."
Please welcome George Carlin.
- ( cheering ) - ( rock music playing )
I did two more while I was back there.
Oh, okay.
George Carlin, okay, okay.
George Carlin, you are by far,
you're easily one of the greatest comedians ever.
- Uh-oh. All right. - To live, easily.
Okay, I'm gonna go with that. I'm gonna go with that.
- Okay, okay, yeah, definitely. - You are. You are.
People take you for granted in a sense.
Now 'cause like you and a guy like, say, Cosby,
you've always been doing it forever.
Do you feel that,
say, like, if you had some crazy tragedy
in your life, people wouldn't take you for granted?
- 'Cause, like, Pryor burnt up. - Yeah.
Lenny Bruce died. Kinison died.
And you're right here chillin'.
- The penalty of living. - The penalty of living.
Yeah, you know, what happens, a lot of people say,
"Hey, how you doing? How you been? Love that stuff.
1972, I saw you." I go, "yeah, well,
the last 25 years have been some more."
I bring 'em right up. I say, "You watch HBO? Did you get the book?
Do that and we'll talk some more in the airport."
You know? So, yeah, you do want people to know
the accumulated record, not just a spotty little this and that.
Yeah, 'cause people are like, "Carlin, yeah."
Yeah, it depends. There's other people that are hooked in good,
hooked in real strong and then they'll tell you back what you did,
and you'll say, "l don't remember that."
"Well, you did it, and I saw it."
Okay, now one of your biggest things ever
was the seven words you can never say on television.
It was "Piss, shit..."
- You want the right order? - What was the order?
"Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits."
Seven.
Said "fuck" twice, I know.
"Motherfucker" shouldn't count because it's a derivative,
but I put it in anyway.
When you put "mother" and "fucker" together, it's just...
- It's a better word. - Yeah.
'Cause nothing's faster than a motherfucker.
That's right.
Nothing jumps higher. Nothing's stronger.
You know what's weird? You can say "tits" now a little bit.
A little bit, see, that's just it.
The interesting thing was you couldn't say "tits,"
but you could say "bazooms." you could go like this.
You could say "knockers," "knobs," but "tits"-- it's a cute word.
You could say-- 'cause "tits" is a cute--
but they won't let you say "titty."
No, no, no.
It's a strange-- you know why they have all that inconsistent stuff?
'cause it's bullshit. It's all bullshit to start with.
They can talk about fucking.
You can talk about fucking.
You can say... ( grunts )
"l know what he's talking about."
In the newspaper, they can say "F, dot, dot, dot."
Everybody knows what it means,
so the thought has been conveyed and that's all language is.
"Don't say fuck. It's a family newspaper."
How do you think the family got started? Fucking.
And that's how it is. That's what it is.
You did the seven words you can't say.
- Is there anything you can't say now? - I don't know.
- That gets people? - I like to bother people.
I like to find out where the line is,
sort of sense where the line is drawn
and then deliberately cross it
and drag the audience with you
and have them happy that you did it.
That's the key. Once you get 'em over there,
they'll say that was good.
So I'm doing my next HBO a year from December
about 1 3 months from now. And I'm just working on things,
'cause there's one taboo in this country, I think.
Religion, and I really am all out attacking religion every chance I get
'cause I just don't believe in that stuff.
I think it's the worst thing that ever happened to mankind.
And I get after them all the time, but that's not the only thing.
Kids in this country, there's too much attention to children in this country.
Every time you turn around, it's kids,
and they're hiding behind kids, 'cause all they're trying to do
is censor you and take your drugs away
in the name of their kids.
It's in the name of the kids,
they're trying to roll back the '60s, man.
So I get after 'em.
I like to get in there and just and bother them a little bit.
Gotta be some thought with it.
It's not just shock 'em and do that.
You have to have some thought and ideas underneath.
But then just to make 'em go like this a little bit in their chairs.
That's what I like. That's important to me.
It might not be you. It might be a loose disc.
Yes, that's right. I'll loosen it up a little more.
You came up '50s, '60s
doing this edgy stuff, and I was like,
did you feel alone at the time?
I remember like the old Dean Martin roast.
Like your crew, your contemporaries
- are guys like Alan King, - Yeah.
You know, other guys doing "Take my wife, please," jokes and stuff.
Right, yeah, the old line stand-ups, yeah.
Well, I came out of coffee houses, though. I got lucky.
I came out of coffee houses and folk rooms.
Alan King's cool. Before he shoots me or something.
But I came out of places where irreverence was a part of the deal.
Coffee houses and folk rooms.
The whole idea there was to be a little bit anti-establishment,
to be a little bit against the stream, you know?
I came out of that, and always felt comfortable being alone.
Always felt good as a kid.
Loved it when my mother didn't come home on time. I'd say, "This is nice.
I'll make some spaghetti and listen to 'The Lone Ranger'," you know?
To be alone is good.
Yeah, I never really took part in show business.
I'd show up. I didn't really contribute.
They'd put me in the bunny number.
You had to do the variety shows,
and they get you in the bunny number at the end.
I had to do a little of that, but once I turned the corner,
I left 'em.
- When you're around bad comedy, - Yeah.
Not even bad comedy, just that other shit.
Yeah, right, that big lame thing--
there's this thing you do and then there's that other shit.
That's right. Listen, the hardest years of my life
were the three or four years
when I was doing straight mainstream
bullshit television shows, 'cause I thought
I wanted to be like a Danny Kaye or someone.
My dream from a kid was still like that.
I wanted to be in the movies and go like this for people.
And I didn't know it in my head, I didn't know my head was different.
I didn't understand that. If I thought about it at nine years of age,
it must still be valid when I'm 21.
But it wasn't, and I finally-- boom!
That clicked in from the acid.
Thank God for acid.
That's what happened.
So all that hard work stuff was bullshit.
Well, it don't hurt.
Acid, somebody get me some acid right now.
I got people around here to get me shit,
but no one ever gets me acid.
I'll tell you this.
That's why they put it on that list of bad drugs,
'cause they know it opens up the mind. It can be dangerous.
I ain't saying it's not dangerous.
You can take too much, take the wrong kind.
Where do you get your acid from?
- 'Cause I want the good stuff. - I don't need it anymore
because it's a self-limiting drug.
It's the kind of drug that you take it a few times
and it tells you that's enough. We're cool.
And that's what happened to me.
- As opposed to... - As opposed to shit like this
- and shit like that. - Like this?
Yeah, well, sometimes you shoot up directly in the neck
- To get it in your head quicker. - Or so you hear.
Yeah, yeah.
In the neck?
Or the temple would be quick, wouldn't it, right?
Right in the temple, no waiting, no delay.
I never did shoot up, so I'm just talking shit.
- Oh, yeah. - I never did.
No, I grew up in a neighborhood with plenty of smack in the '50s
and never got to the smack.
The grass was enough. I get some of that grass and a couple of beers
and just lay back and wonder why those guys were puking.
That's all I needed. I never did shoot up. Never did use it.
What was the worst thing to happen to you?
Just opening up. I never heard the George Carlin horror stories.
Well, I did an awful lot of cocaine during the '70s.
- When I did that, I did tons of it. - That's odd. Really, you?
Yeah, tons, tons. Yeah, well, you knew that shit.
And I just would get out there
and my jaw wouldn't work, you know?
You know how locked up--
I know crackheads whose jaws don't work.
you get like that.
And you know what you're thinking is good.
Fortunately, they liked me and they would wait,
you know, for my mouth to start working.
I'm not one of those guys that has a story.
Every comedian, like these old guys,
and you mention a name, "Oh, let me tell you about Al Jolson."
And they got a story for everything.
I got no stories 'cause I don't remember a goddamn thing, man.
I don't remember nothing.
- Thank you very much. - My pleasure.
- Thank you, man. - Thank you. George Carlin.
- Thanks, man. Appreciate it. - See you later. Be cool.
- All right, George Carlin! - Take care.
Severe depression is one of the most serious health problems
facing the country today.
Medications such as Prozac and Zoloft
are routinely prescribed to combat these mood disorders,
but some critics say there are better methods.
Here joining me right now via satellite
to explain his new treatment for depression
is Dr. Leonard Laxalt. Welcome, doctor.
Thank you, Chris.
So, doctor, what is this new drug
that you claim is so effective?
Well, Chris, after years of treating depression
with so-called wonder drugs like Prozac,
which doesn't always work and has many side effects
such as insomnia and loss of appetite,
I found a medication that people and cultures around the world
have relied upon for centuries.
So it's like an old folk remedy or something?
In a way. It's made of all-natural ingredients
and it's available without a prescription.
And what is this new wonder drug called?
It's called hard liquor, Chris.
Hard liquor?
That's right, Chris.
You mean like Jack Daniels or something?
It goes by many names, but hard liquor is its scientific classification.
Right.
I found in my research that a small amount taken once in the morning
and once at night will keep the mood elevated all day.
Your research.
You mean a real clinic let you research this?
Well, they were skeptical at first. But I was so confident,
that I used myself as the first guinea pig.
And what were your results?
I don't remember.
So you blacked out.
There can be side effects, but they're not nearly as bad as most drugs.
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Okay, so what are some of the other side effects?
Some people do experience nausea and loss of job,
but that's a small price to pay
for a cure for depression.
Doctor, even if this works, I mean,
most people can't get up and the first thing they have
is a glass of gin and juice.
What with conventional medications,
some people have trouble swallowing pills, so they invented gelcaps.
I recommend a Jell-o shot to my patients.
Now correct me if I'm wrong,
but isn't alcohol itself a depressant?
What's in a measles vaccine, Chris? Measles.
What's in a flu shot? Flu virus.
They make you immune to the disease
by introducing a mild form of it into your system.
And that's how hard liquor works on depression?
That's my best guess, Chris.
Doctor, do you have any scientific evidence that this works?
I do have what I think is some rather conclusive video documentation
of several of the people that I've treated.
Okay, let's take a look.
Laxalt: This is a group of patients
before they were on hard liquor.
So who wants to begin today?
How about you, Mrs. Story?
Anybody?
You can see, they're very depressed.
Here are the same patients after their first dose of hard liquor.
( explicit hip hop music playing )
Those people are drunk.
Those people are happy, Chris.
They're no longer experiencing
the bottomless despair of depression.
Doctor, what the fuck is wrong with you?
I'm an alcoholic, Chris.
But you told me you were a mental health expert.
I ought to be. I've been in a mental hospital for the last 11 years.
I have to go, Chris.
Thank you very much. Dr. Leonard Laxalt, everybody.
Here to perform the track "You Make Me Wanna..."
off his latest album "My Way," give it up for Usher.
( R&B music playing )
Usher: Let me hear y'all say "Yeah!"
- Audience: Yeah! - Say yeah!
- Yeah! - Ladies, scream for me.
( women screaming )
( music fading )
Yo! That's our show for tonight.
I'd like to thank our guests George Carlin and Usher!
Yo, Flash, take us out.
( theme music playing )